We all had a little giggle when ASO, the owners and organiser’s of the Tour de France, revealed the new design for the famous maillot jaune earlier this year. In a noble attempt to celebrate 40 years of Tour finishes on the Champs Elysees, the jersey includes a drawing of the the Champs’ most famous landmark – the Arc de Triomphe – on the belly. All well and good. Except that to everyone apart from those who commissioned, drew and signed-off the rendering, it looks like a big phallus. More knob than noble I’m afraid.. Le Coq Sportif indeed..
Helmets will be mandatory wear for all leaders in the 2015 Tour.
Now, having not yet fully recovered from that Boner Bombshell, news reaches us that the 2015 Giro d’Italia’s jerseys all feature a tape measure motif around the right sleeve. Yes, that’s right, a tape measure. Apparently this is a nod to the tailoring history of new jersey supplier Lebole but, when viewed in conjunction with ‘Le Grand Part’ adorning the French jersey, it begins to look like one big cocking conspiracy. Somewhere, someone is pulling strings to emasculate our great sport by planting oblique references to willies everywhere. It’s your basic Prankster 101. If you want to undermine something – a leaving card at work is a good example – draw a good old-fashioned knob on it. No-one can take anything else seriously next to a childish penis reference. God only knows what the Vuelta has got lined up o go on their red leader’s jersey. A huge pair of Osborne Bull’s balls like the ones in ‘Jamon Jamon’ no doubt..
“Jamon, Jamon. Jamon, Jamon. Do you want to be in my gang?” etc
But let’s return to the Yellow Jersey for a moment. I said that it looks like a knob but really that does it a disservice. What it really looks like is a massively triumphant phallus rising up from the rider’s shorts and nestling neatly between whatever passes for a six pack on a pro-cyclist. And, on the face of it, that makes sense. A chopper that big would be a considerable hindrance in the saddle and would have to be adjusted upwards so as to not interfere with a balanced pedalling stroke.
The Raleigh Chopper – Perfect for those who like stick shift.
A little known (and entirely untrue) fact it that the reason Raleigh Choppers – the iconic bike of 1970’s British suburbia – were so called was because the long saddle and laid-back seating position allowed a lad with a sizeable chap to comfortably maintain a side-dressed habit whilst á la velo…) The knob on the Maillot Jaune so big that I think that the Maglia Rosa might have some trouble sizing it up with his skinny armed tape measure.. And call me paranoid but judging by the picture below I think that there is some serious exaggeration going on with the Italian’s measurements. There is no way that that measure starts at 0 and gets up to 11 inches in the space of half a bicep. Well, not unless muscly Magnus Bakstedt has made an unheralded return to the peloton.
What’s pink, wrinkly and comes out of your shorts? Your Maglia Rosa, of course..
So who is behind this phallification of our leaders jerseys? The unknown member (ahem) in this farrago is Lebole. But whilst a quick trawl of their website presents us with clickable areas marked “Package” and unnerving assertions that we “are out of the tunnel” I’m going to blame Google Translate for this rather than the Tuscan tailors. Personally I’m inclined to blame FIFA. They are obviously worried that cycling could again become as popular as it has been in the past again and threaten their Beautiful Game (and their [alleged] rampant culture of bribery, vote rigging and 5-star junket-fuelled lifestyles). FIFA are both rich enough and devious enough to pull off an audacious stunt like this in order to ridicule cycling. Perhaps ex Giro d’Italia boss Michele Acquarone got wind of the willy wind-up and so was ejected prematurely…
Where is this going to end? With cycling looking silly of course. You just know that the moment that Vincenzo Nibali pulls on that yellow jersey the captions of ‘Knobali’ will rain down like a phallic plague, and should Froome don it at some stage this year then I’m already staking a royalty claim to anyone who deigns to use “As Happy as a Froome-dog with two dicks”. And things get even worse if the Vuelta decides to try and redress the male genitalia dominance by sneaking some lady-bits references into their designs. “Ladies and gentlemen, our victor, Nairo Quimtana.” The thought that Alberto Contador might wear a leader’s jersey with some vagina reference on it is, of course, just one vowel away from total disaster.
For now though we have to worry about willy’s and I’m glad to be able to confirm for the record that Geraint Thomas’ middle name is Howell – not John – so at least we are alright there.